Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
