Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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