Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
