I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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