omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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