we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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