my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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