i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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