youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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