I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
