in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
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i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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