One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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