Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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