Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's never too late to be topless.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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