i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
