I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
