just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Someone came in the potted fern
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
