My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
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I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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