I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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