I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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