he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
