I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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