why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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