Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize