I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
