i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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