I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
