We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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