I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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