some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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