in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
