So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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