yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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