I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
