***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
