when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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