Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
