Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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