My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
