You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize
