my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
