my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
