dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I am spending my child support on dildos
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
