I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
