I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize