I'm so fucking centered right now
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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