I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
