i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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