thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
