If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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