So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
