I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
